The worthwhile pursuit of style
Not overconsumption, not trend chasing, but expression.
After my first baby turned a year old I entered into what I consider to be one of my personal golden ages of style. I felt great in my clothes and it showed. When I look back at photos from that time, I am glowing. I remember how much fun I was having getting dressed; it felt easy. I had the audacity to buy things like an ankle-length, mustard-colored velvet coat (which I will never part with) and wear the shit out of them. Fast-forward three years to the time after baby number two….that’s a different story. One that is still unfolding in fact. Suddenly nothing fit. My compass for finding “me” in the clothes I was buying seemed to be spinning round and round never finding true north. I felt bad in everything and it was dragging me down.
I have loved clothes and makeup since I was in high school, where I routinely wore heels to school and boldly created a style that had little to do with what everyone else was wearing. As an adult, before I began working in brand marketing, I had the opportunity to flit around Manhattan as a beauty and style digital editor absorbing the latest trends and seeing a lot of art-as-fashion up close. And it gave me so much joy. Getting dressed for me, in its simplest form, has always been about speaking without opening my mouth. It’s a true form of expression.
I’ve thought a lot about style and how it relates to expression this week for two reasons: the Chloe show at Paris Fashion Week and the passing of Iris Apfel.
The Chloe show felt like both a warm nostalgia bath and a breath of fresh air. On the one hand, the line’s new creative director, Chemena Kamali, could be seen as having simply resurrected a long dormant boho-chic vibe that I distinctly remember seeing on the “hot girls” from my adolescence. Rachel Bilson, Nicole Richie, Sienna Miller—all of them rocked the look at one time or another. Maybe this is just the next chapter in the book of early aughts revivals. But I have to say, after drowning in nothing but “quiet luxury” hauls and Sophia Richie references for the last year, I felt a little thrill seeing leather, vinyl, studs, fringe, big statement jewelry, giant belts, and sheer blouses on the runway. It felt like a return to some of what I find missing in the minimal style I see everywhere of late—Drama! Edge! Playfulness!
“Great personal style is an extreme curiosity about yourself." - Iris Apfel
Then, there was the passing of Iris Apfel, a style icon for decades and an expert at pairing color and pattern. She took self expression to the level of genius curating a presence through clothing that is impossible to replicate—a feat that I feel is the true hallmark of a style icon. She had a lot of wise thing things to say about style, too. My favorite quote of hers is, “Great personal style is an extreme curiosity about yourself."
Whenever I’ve found myself in a style rut it’s been born of routine, complacency, unprocessed change—all of those sponges that can suck the curiosity right out of you. Cultivating personal style requires that you ask yourself who you want to be. How do you want others to perceive you? Do you want your clothes to be armor? Conversation pieces? Do you want them to yell or whisper? Style also requires energy and play, the sisters to curiosity. You have to be willing to make “mistakes” (one could argue there are none in this realm, hence the quotation marks). You must be willing to let your curiosity lead you out on a limb.
Right about now you might be thinking to yourself that being out on a limb has nothing to do with you…you’re not aiming to be a style icon. Fair enough! Style doesn’t have to be something that only exists in the perfectly styled world of social media and magazines. It is simply how you dress for your life. And at the very least having a style point of view requires you to dedicate time to yourself and to the pursuit of your unique identity. And that, I think, is why for many of us who feel overwhelmed, busy, lost, or swept up in a swirl of change, style and the self expression it cultivates, go by the wayside.
My self expression took a backseat as I made space for our new family member and the change in dynamics she brought. I was also adjusting massive shifts in my day-to-day life. I went from mom of one to mom of two, from a commuter to working from home, and from a city dweller to a suburbanite all within the same short time frame.
For so many, the pursuit of personal style can feel self-indulgent or frivolous, but as we talked about at the start of this year, framing is everything. The positive frame for personal style is that it can be a conduit to expression that lights up your curiosity about who you are now and who you might want to be. In that spirit, I’m going to share what I did and am doing to find my style center and reignite my self expression:
Do a massive closet clean out. I followed Allison Bornstein’s method to the letter and it transformed my closet. It was fun and cathartic and gave me a sense of discovery. It was a long afternoon well spent.
Follow the right people and a few of the wrong.
Social media can be a great tool for style-stalking but it can also be a black hole. First things first, stop following people who make you feel bad about yourself. Even if it’s not their fault. If you’re following someone who has a body type that you dream of having but never will and you’re using it to self-flagellate, that’s a toxic follow. It is not the job of your body to fit the clothes, it’s the clothes that must fit your body.
Next, find people whose style you’re inspired by. The key is to get inspiration, not to try and copy their style to the letter. It almost never works and those highly styled outfits rarely translate to real life. Find people who stoke your curiosity and make you feel happy. Speaking of Allison, I love her style.
Follow a few people whose style you know isn’t for you. Maybe you’re strictly neutrals but they love color, maybe they’re into layering and you love to play with proportion—a few of these “wrong” follows can give you helpful perspective on new things to try. I love to follow Blair from Atlantic-Pacific and Liz Adams but both women wear more color and more feminine looks than I ever will. Still though, I love to see how Blair styles her clothes and Liz is bold with silhouette and girly touches I wouldn’t think to try.
Treat yourself to a stylist. After using Allison’s closet clean out method, I decided to treat myself to a FaceTime styling session with her. I have to say it completely changed how I shop and how I see my style. She was warm, friendly, and fun and she helped me see more potential in what I already owned. She also walked me through her three-word method to help define my style which gave me a clear vision for how I want to dress going forward, I can’t recommend it enough.
Catalog your closet. This is something that is in progress for me but I recently discovered the Indyx app. It allows you to catalog your closet and create outfits in the app. I’ll report back on how much I end up using it but I love the idea of having a quick way to build outfits without tearing my closet apart. It also seems helpful for remembering great outfits.
Shop for the life you have. I have followed Anna’s blog for years and I subscribe to her new Substack. She wrote a post recently that I’ve thought about a lot ever since. She asks the question, “Why are we buying clothes for lives we don’t have?” That totally hit home with me as someone who loves to shop for fancy looks but rarely gets to wear them. She created a simple, smart method for figuring out what you really need. Simply go through the coming month day-by-day and list the type of outfit you might need. Start to pay attention to the percentage of time you’re spending doing each activity and shop accordingly. In my case I spend the biggest chunk of time working from home and playing with my kids. So, even though I love a fancy dress and heels, I don’t need to buy them often.
Do some reading. As with anything, I turn to books when I need some inspiration and style is no different. My current favorite books brimming with style advice are Garance Dore’s Love Style Life and Allison Bornstein’s Wear it Well.
I hope this helps inspire you to take joy in your style if you’re in a rut and to feel empowered to play with your self expression. See you next week!
Still thinking about…..
Feeling like I need this and this for spring layering
Re-recommending this recipe because I’ve made it twice and it’s excellent, especially over pasta
This engrossing expose of a well-know self-help celeb
One thing about me is I’m going to drink Prosecco. And this one is SO good.
Started this book for my book club and so far am blown away.