Motherhood, but only the good stuff.

I’ve been thinking about this issue for weeks. But every time I go to write it (mostly in my head which is part of my process) I end up adding in so many caveats to the positives I want to convey that I stop trying. So in the past 73 hours or so, I’ve just been thinking about that. About why it’s so damn hard to just sit down and write a glowing review of motherhood with no buts?! It’s the nuance of the role, of course. It’s the fact that this is the only full-time job you get no training for. The one that demands every ounce of your focus and problem-solving almost overnight. It’s akin to going to bed the night you graduate from college and waking up to someone handing you a whole company to run.

Before we go any further I want to say a couple things. First, this is not a post about encouraging anyone to become a mother. I believe that is a sacred choice that should be left to the woman carrying the child. I also believe that childless-by-choice is a beautiful and fulfilling lifestyle. In fact, I never wanted kids (until I did obviously). When I got pregnant the first time it was a surprise to anyone who knew me well. But the truth is, the moment I held my first daughter I was enchanted. My experience pre-motherhood was such that I’d rarely heard anything good about being a mom (family members had good things to say but when you’re young it’s all too easy to discount what those closest to you say). I’d read even fewer good things than I’d heard. And I hate that. Knowing what I know now, I hate it.

It’s still happening. I saw a post on Instagram this week, a picture of a little girl in a beautiful outfit playing in the sun. The caption from the poster said something to the effect of, “romanticizing motherhood and hoping it looks like this.” I couldn’t resist popping into the comments on the post, knowing exactly what I’d find…I was sadly spot on. At least half of comments were to the tune of, “this is not what it’s like at all,” “it’s a trap,” “this lasts for three seconds then it’s chaos.” I genuinely do not believe that most of the women posting negative comments hate being mothers. I think mothers often feel unsupported on a micro, at-home level, and at a more macro, country level as well and that spills over into our POV on mothering overall. And part of what has stopped me writing this issue is that there are very good reasons women are struggling in motherhood now. We live in a country that devalues motherhood and womanhood at every turn. Most of us are not even allowed the time we need heal and get to know our babies. But reading those Instagram comments relit the fire in me to write this and put a different perspective into universe.

So the rest of this post is about the magic in mothering. And I won’t be balancing it with “reality” because these have been my reality and you can get a healthy dose of the negatives in about one click out there on the Interwebs.

And so I present, Motherhood, the good stuff:

You will feel a deeper connectedness. When you are skin-to-skin with your child every cell in your body lights up. Scientifically speaking there are actual biochemical reactions occurring as you cuddle your kids, especially in the newborn days. But I’m also referring to a special magnetism that you feel when you hold their little bodies. Thinking back to some of my early morning snuggles with both my girls, I believe it’s the closest I’ve felt to being fully at peace. It’s the most beautifully human you can possibly feel. And on that note…..

Newborn snuggles. It’s hard to explain how incredible snuggling your newborn feels. They scrunch up into a little ball that fits perfectly into the shape of your body. They smell like Heaven. The weight of your new baby in your arms is something you’ll long for as they grow bigger because it is so satisfying, so primally blissful you don’t forget it.

You get to teach someone about all the things you love. Every morning my daughters and I sing and dance in the car on the way to daycare. My oldest daughter already has an excellent ear for pitch and we often talk about what we’re hearing in the music. She’s old enough now that I can begin to really share the intellectual side of my love for music with her and it’s sheer joy. She’s also starting to get a kick out of singing duets with me which means I’m one step closer to my ultimate goal of having someone to harmonize with in the car at any given time.

You get to be someone’s hero. My kids think almost everything I do is cool. I am FULLY aware that will fade because at some point they will be 13-year-old girls. But for now, I am truly enjoying being someone’s idea of the best.

You get to feel the joy of the little things. Over the holidays our little family of four stayed in a hotel. My children were simply blown away that a place exists outside our home where you can both swim in a pool and sleep in a random bed overnight. Both of them have stayed in so many hotels and AirBnBs at this point that I was shocked by their excitement. But, this must have been the first time it really registered, at least with my 5-year-old, because she was elated. It was so fun to watch. And it made the whole thing a hoot for my husband and me.

Experiencing awe on the regular. Unless you climb mountains for a living or scuba dive every day or travel the world for work, I’m going to guess that (like me) you don’t necessarily experience the sensation of awe frequently. But, I’ll tell you, with kids you’ll experience it often. Watching them learn, develop a sense of humor, figure out how to walk….all these monumental things don’t just happen overnight. You get to watch your kids grow and develop and that means you also get to see the moments when whatever they’ve been working at clicks into place. And it’s special and awe-inspiring every time.

Laughing a lot. My kids are hilarious. They say and do funny things daily and I live to hear their little giggles. Kids also give you permission to play again. Did you love playing with dolls as a kid? Here’s your chance to do it again! If you loved sledding as a child (my very favorite thing) I’m telling you absolutely no one bats an eye if you hit the hills on a snowy day with toddler in tow. (I may or may not have done that yesterday).

You’ll gain perspective. I don’t know what type, but you’ll likely gain clarity in places you never expected; it’s different for everyone. Becoming a mother solidified for me the things in life I actually care about and made clear what I’d just been pretending to care about for whatever reason. It gave me a confidence I don’t think I could have fully accessed before their arrival. It also gave me a very clear sense of how to cut through B.S. Many mothers will tell you that nothing teaches you to cut out mental and relational clutter like kids.

Seeing yourself and the lack of yourself. Sometimes kids are a mirror and sometimes you look at them and wonder where they came from. It’s trippy and wild and such a unique feeling whichever way the dice rolls on a given day.

You get to brag. I tell my kids all the time that I made them from scratch. I also have told several adults the very same thing. Because that shit is hard as hell and you deserve to brag about it, ok?!

There’s more. So much more. I hope if you’re a mother reading this you’ll reply to this email and share some of the magic of motherhood that you experience. Because I’ve just been thinking we don’t hear about it enough.

Still thinking about:

Equal parts amazed and freaked out by these hyper-realistic paintings.

I can’t help myself…it’s just so catchy.

Blown away by this small jeweler’s opal pieces.

Randomly in love with this spindly legged stool.

Found two pairs of spring shoes to swoon over. One pair I can afford (the white snake print) and another pair which I certainly cannot.