Lessons learned after six months of vocal lessons
Mostly not about singing
How is everyone? For some reason I feel the compulsion to do a Great, Good, Bad, and Ugly recap for you this week. Is this a thing we should do!? Let’s try it out:
Great: Therapy! I found a new therapist about a month ago and she is a game changer.
Good: I located and purchased a several-seasons old Sezane leopard jacket that I have been trying to find online secondhand for ages. I love her.
Bad: I feel a seasonal cold coming on and I’m already annoyed.
Ugly: WTF is this weather?! Over here on the east coast it feels as though it’s been raining 5/7 days every week for a month. I need sun. I’m practically translucent.
Now down to business.
Remember way back to the very first issue I sent? I wrote about my shiny new hobby—vocal lessons—and my feisty teacher, Rae. Well April marks six months singing my little heart out and I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far about the realities of adopting a hobby while juggling work, motherhood, and all of life’s ups and downs.
You don’t make the time; you set aside the time.
There are approximately 88,000 things I could (and some days should) be doing when I am doing vocal lessons. For the first few months, every time I started traveling down the mental road of what all I could accomplish in the time it takes to do a lesson I began to doubt the value of this investment. I think those thoughts are fairly deeply rooted, for me and I’d guess many others in my generation. In preparation to write this post I was reflecting on narratives I heard a lot growing up. I think it was rediscovering the quote below from author Lauren Groff that set me off down that path:
Asking a woman how she does it all has become a faux pas for a reason; she doesn’t. None of us do. And if we try, we burn out. The question Groff dodged is one I recall being asked of women in most of the articles I read growing up. The model woman was the one who didn’t have a single moment to spare for herself. It didn’t matter if the subject of the interview was a celebrity, a CEO, or an activist, if it was a woman, the interviewer was bound to ask how she managed juggling it “all.”
On that note, this recent quote from writer Nicola Jane Hobbs feels so spot on and poignant:
“Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman. Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At-ease women? Women who don't dissect their days into half hour slots of productivity? Women who prioritize rest and pleasure and play? Women who aren't afraid to take up space in the world? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax? Without guilt? Without apology? Without feeling like they need to earn it? I'm not sure I've ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one.”
I was at least partially released from the idea of juggling it all by reading Tiffany Dufu’s phenomenal book Drop the Ball a few years ago. And I try to keep her wisdom front of mind. It has come in handy in adopting a new hobby and works well to remind meof its value when I begin to doubt. Because the truth is I had to let some things drop to do this. Adopting a hobby that is just for me requires me to actively prioritize something that isn’t “productive” in any one’s book but mine. The framing of making time and balancing it all doesn’t help when you’re staring at a packed calendar and a pile of laundry. We get 24 hours a day and you can’t manufacture a single new minute. Committing to this hobby has forced me to recommit over and over to setting aside the time even when it feels like I don’t have it to spare. To be at ease in my investment in myself. But on that note….
You’ll want to quit.
I have come up with some phenomenal excuses as to why I can’t show up to voice lessons. I haven’t used a single one. But wow, you should hear these—they are snowy white, pristine little lies that would get me right out of this thing I very much volunteered to pay for and do every week.
It is shockingly difficult to stick with something you’ve elected to do that is H-A-R-D work even if it’s also enjoyable. If you’ve ever committed to an exercise routine you know this. I am pretty religious about my own exercise habits and on some days they feel easier to stick to than vocal coaching.
It’s been interesting to sit with the desire to quit. To ask myself why I truly don’t want to sing that day. It often comes back to everyone else’s needs and wants feeling more pressing than mine. Or, it boils down to exhaustion. I’ve learned to observe my reluctance and push through it. And, I can remember at least two weeks when I wanted to skip out that ended up being some of my best lessons to date. But speaking of how hard this whole thing is……
Underperforming at something you think you should be doing well is infuriating.
The sensation of screwing something up multiple times in the course of just three minutes is not one I’d recommend. Singing with Rae has been humbling. It’s been years since I sang with consistency and unfortunately for me, singing is the sort of thing that requires constant practice to maintain skill. Not only that, your voice is not the only tool you’ve got to employ to get this thing right.
While I have a solid ear for pitch and my range is largely in tact, the body work it takes to sing properly had all but left my consciousness. It has taken me six damn months to remember how to stand and breathe to properly execute a series of notes. It’s maddening. Every little adjustment, every missed note, every incorrect vowel sound chipped away at my confidence for months. Until one day, I practically begged Rae for some positive reinforcement (not her style) and she gave me a speech that had tears running down my face. Her core message being, “you are better than you think you are, trust yourself and just do the thing.” That’s been my new motto these past three months post near-breakdown. It’s served me well. I’ve learned a lot about myself in doing these vocal lessons and the depth of my distaste for being less than wonderful at something has helped me focus my energy on building patience and trust in myself. But the pursuit of perfection isn’t everything….
It’s ok to move your own goal post.
When I started these lessons my stated goal was to join a local choir. As I’ve worked on my sight reading in preparation for an audition, that’s been my finish line. But recently I finally buckled down and researched the choirs available to me. Turns out, they’re all a hefty time commitment. One that I just don’t think I can make right now. That realization had me convinced I should quit vocal coaching altogether. In fact, two weeks ago I sat down to type a letter to Rae letting her know I couldn’t achieve my goal and so I planned to pause lessons. It was only a day or two before our next lesson so I put off sending the email thinking I’d tell her in person. Then, we had one of our best lessons ever and it gave me pause. My goal was mine alone. Why the hell was I being such a stickler when I was the one calling the shots? I decided to keep with lessons for all the reasons I’ve mentioned above and because singing feeds my soul. There’s holding yourself accountable and then there’s stifling your own joy and I know if I quit now, I’d miss singing dearly. So on that note my last learning is also a bit of advice—not really from me but from Rae….
Just do the thing.
You’ll have to carve out the time. You’ll want to quit some days. You won’t be perfect and it might suck in the moment. But give yourself a chance to learn, to be humbled, to invest in your own wellbeing, and to move your damn goal post if you want to.
Still thinking about……
The writing isn’t the best but I still had fun reading this article about superhuman traits that have evolved in various populations around the world
This tray would make a gorgeous hostess gift for someone who loves pattern. A set of these would be good for just about anyone.
If you thought I loved the Indyx app, the combo of having my digital closet there and using Anna’s template to create a style Notion board has me nerding out on fashion big time.
My therapist and I talked about what manifestation really means and she sent me this article which tackles it from a scientific POV. It was a good, quick read.
I actually love wearing glue-on false nails. Less money and hassle than acrylics and safer than gel! I am usually a loyal Glamnetic fan but tried these this week and loved them.