Being bad at relaxing
and how to get better
For the last two weeks it’s felt as though the universe is screaming at me to chill the hell out. I got a very, very odd urge to watch the movie Eat, Pray, Love the other day (verdict: not as good as I remembered) and while I half-watched, half-scrolled on my phone, I perked up when one particular scene came on screen. The protagonist, Liz, is in Italy at a barber shop with her new Italian friends. They’re discussing the differences between Americans and Italians and this leads to a few of the characters giving an impassioned speech about how Americans don’t understand the art of relaxing “dolce far niente.” The scene is silly and over acted but honestly I have a lot of admiration for people who are great at relaxing. All those memes that show people happily falling back into their beds when plans get cancelled….I usually can’t relate. Some of that has to do with being an extrovert but a big piece of it is that I’m really, really bad at relaxing.
This weekend I had a whirlwind trip to L.A. for work. I landed from NYC at around 1:30 p.m. Saturday and was back on a plane Monday morning. My brain is still scrambled from jet lag. On Sunday, my work obligations didn’t begin until 3pm so I had a (almost) whole day to myself. I was determined to relax and from almost the moment I woke up, I failed utterly.
My eyes shot open at 7 a.m. I had a momentary, pre-fully-conscious moment where I looked around for my 5-year-old alarm clock (aka my daughter) before settling into my cozy reality of a blank slate day. What I’m about to describe in terms of what I did next is so dumb. But, I’m hoping some of you will relate or at least chuckle.
I basically fretted about breakfast for an entire 35 minutes. Lacking my normal foods and routine my body screaming for coffee, I flipped through the room service menu thinking I’d have a lazy breakfast in bed. Then, the tourist guilt kicked in. I hadn’t been in California since pre-covid and despite the temperature being only 60 degrees, that’s 30 degrees warmer than home right now. The pull to seize the day started to gnaw at me.
I began anxiously scanning my phone for “coffee near me” and “things to do near me.” My brain was screaming, “You’re here with no kids! Make the most of it!” I settled on grabbing an Uber over to a nearby cafe that is famous for its breakfast and then wandering around the neighborhood. I trudged over to the bathroom and started to put on makeup. But, as I was applying my mascara I paused, audibly laughed out loud, turned around and got right back in bed. I ordered room service, laid in bed for two hours, went on a long run, sat by the pool, got ready for the day slowly, had a solo lunch with a cocktail, and went on my merry way to work. It was the. best. day.
Frankly, I am shocked I was able to sit my overthinking ass back down and chill. By the time I was over fussing over what I should do, I had wasted an hour of my morning. Dumb.
If Bluey is big in your house like it is in mine, you might know there are new episodes out. Coincidentally one of them is called “Relax” and we watched it right before my trip. In the episode, Bluey’s family goes on holiday and Chili is rushing around pushing everyone to get ready for the beach so she can relax. She’s all energy and force trying to sunscreen the kids up and pack the bags and rush to claim a spot at the beach so she can finally settle down. Through the course of the episode we see that everyone else started relaxing the instant they walked through the door of the holiday house. Chili soon realizes that relaxing is something you have to choose to do, it doesn’t just happen. Amen to that.
The way I finally chilled the hell out this past weekend was to take a minute and acknowledge what I actually wanted to do, not what I thought I should do given a little sunshine and a new place. I think doing my makeup (which is very meditative for me) gave me just enough quiet in my brain to admit that making the most of the day for me meant doing less.
My goal in the future is to get to that point faster. I Googled around looking for a few techniques I can use next time I feel myself spiraling when I have a rare chance to relax. I thought I’d share them in case you, too, find yourself unable to settle down.
Mindful meditation: Most articles I read mentioned meditation—sit quietly, breathe deeply, and try to observe but not indulge your thoughts. Next time, I’d be tempted to do anything meditative to give myself a chance to really check in with my body, even if it’s not sitting still. Jogging, doing my makeup, stretching, yoga—all those things help me tune out stress.
Body scan: Harvard Health Publishing recommends a body scan to kickstart relaxing. “After a few minutes of deep breathing, you focus on one part of the body or group of muscles at a time and mentally releasing any physical tension you feel there. A body scan can help boost your awareness of the mind-body connection.”
Check in with your senses: I can’t remember where I first learned of this technique but I believe it’s used often to help those with anxiety. You go through each of your senses and name things you can see, smell, and touch. It brings you back into the now.
Give yourself permission: My little sister is really good at relaxing. I’m always jealous that she can (seemingly) instantly settle in and starting enjoying herself. So I asked her how she does it. “I just had to give myself permission,” she said, “It’s ok if you leave that laundry or those dishes because you work hard and you deserve rest. You can do it tomorrow.” She’s the best.
I’ll be using all the above to make sure I ease into my next vacation as quickly as possible. If you’ve got more tricks for down time please let me know! Because I’ve just been thinking that wasting time fretting about how I’m spending my time is….not at all what I want to do with my time.
Still thinking about…
Got deeply engrossed in this article following the downfall and reinvention of one of the bloggers I followed in the early aughts.
Perusing this new-to-me spot for rugs for our living room since my dog has decided to progressively eat my current one.
Considering trying this shampoo because I am well and truly sick of every single other brand I’ve tried.
Loving this episode of Armchair with sex therapist Vanessa Marin
Excited to try this setting spray which is apparently better than some that are double the price. I’ll report back!